Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
