He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
