I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
