So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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