theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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