before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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