This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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