Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He passed out mid-signature
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
