i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
