If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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