my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
