What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
