I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
