He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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