apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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