The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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