totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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