Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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