the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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