Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
