1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize