When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
