Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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