so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
