What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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