you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
