your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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