I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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