Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
