Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize