In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
