Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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