sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
