I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
