btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I skipped work to stalk him.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
