Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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