I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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