that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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