Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Floor bacon is actually really good
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
