Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
