You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You need a sexual gate keeper
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
