me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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