You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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