I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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