we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
