If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
