Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
