Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
