I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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