Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
