Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
