Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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