i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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