He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
