there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
