I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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