It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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